That Awkward Moment When You Blog About Poop

In high school Forensics, we had a moratorium on doing improvs or mimes or any other kind of performance that involved "bathroom humor" - you know, fart jokes, poop jokes, peeing your name in the snow jokes. It's a philosophy I have always carried with me since as I've walked this little road we call Life. I don't usually talk about poop or farts or pee in public. But today, I am.

Today, let's talk about poop.

I have serious anxiety about "doing my business" in public with someone in the next stall. Like, I seriously can't do it. Doing a "Number One" is bad enough, but a Number Two just won't do.

So like, for instance, the other day, I really needed to, ahem, "go", and I waited until the public restroom at my place of employment was empty. And just as I was about to "go", I heard the door open and someone came in! What was I to do? There was no way I could "go" now.  Not with Sally Sassy Shoes a stall away. Not when a couple of days earlier a colleague confessed that she sometimes takes pictures of her toileting neighbor's shoes if she doesn't know who it is and shows it around until she find out who it was. So I did what any normal person would do. I calmly got up, flushed, washed my hands, and left the bathroom. I then quickly rushed to the second floor, where I hoped I'd find an empty ladies' room.  There was a girl washing her hands at the sink. I calculated that if I took my time "preparing" for the loo, she'd be gone in time for me to make a dash at it before anyone else entered the bathroom. But this girl wasn't just washing her hands. She had make-up to do. And hair to fix. And she even talked to herself in the mirror. All the while, I'm stuck in the stall with nowhere to go. I couldn't leave now, she'd know I hadn't gone! But I also couldn't "go" - oh no, not with Fancy Nancy sprucing herself up in the employee bathroom. I had to wait for what felt like days, all the while worried someone else would enter while she took her precious time. As soon as she left and I heard that door shut, I was on the clock. I "went" as fast as humanly possible, and luckily made it out before anyone else wandered in.

This is my normal.

And apparently I'm not alone! A whole book was written for the toilet-anxious employees of the world. I think I need this book.

From the Amazon blurb:

Don't let number 2 stop you from being number 1 on the job.

Face the facts. You poop every day-more or less-but making a misstep when you've got to go at the office could land you in some serious doo-doo. How to Poo at Work is the ultimate guide to handling a range of potentially awkward situations, including what to do when:

• The boss is in the next stall
• The toilet gets clogged
• A colleague follows you into the bathroom
• There's no toilet paper
  Flush with useful diagrams, this handy book can save your career from going down the toilet.

This book is so going on my reading list.  I wonder if it also has advice for colleagues who might take pictures of your shoes under the stall? "Wear pretty shoes, and don't let your knickers fall all the way to your ankles."