CDs I want:
xo- Elliott Smith
If You're Feeling Sinister- Belle & Sebastian

ehm, I guess that's all. It feels like so many more. And looking at that grosses me out. I've become such a little indie kid. Bleh. Indie rock is like quicksand. You start on the edge and you slowly sink deeper and deeper... and before you know it... you're buying Belle & Sebastian records...


I'm eating cold pizza right now. I ordered it last night and it was hot and burnt the crap out of me. I was just too hungry to wait til I got home. I picked it up, got in the car and ate a slice. And subsequently burnt off the first layer of membrane on the roof of my mouth. Owowow.


I took my Shakespeare test. I did ok. I guess I'll find out how okay tomorrow in class.


My thesis proposal is due Friday. I don't have my committee yet.


How many more boring things can I say?


Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.

Google Search
I'm working on getting this google search thing to work on my blog. It kinda works, but not really. When you put in a word and click for search superlori, it just brings up one webpage- superlori. Taylor's pulls up all the different instances that word is found. I wonder if I deleted something while customizing it in blogspot. Help anyone? (Taylor?)

Dr. Candido said that the student who worries about a test is a good student. He made me feel good by saying that.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton's birthday is next month? The things I learn in this job... Everyone send her a happy birthday email.

I've updated my links to the side, thank you, I think they look much cleaner now. And I'm considering starting a Monthly Poll, seeing as my readers get to learn an awful lot about me, but I know very little about many of you! So even if you wouldn't vote on a monthly poll, at least vote on this one so I will know whether it will be a waste of time or not. I'll try to have interesting polls and not stupid ones.

Things I Desire:
1. To be an astronaut.
2. To be a mad scientist and make purple chemical concoctions that bubble over in a test tube.
3. A hot air balloon ride over the Africa, watching the lions chase the gazelles.
4. A husband.
5. Sex with a husband.
6. Not being allergic to kitty cats.
7. To see the Rudds just once more.
8. To meet Judah.
9. To move to Wales to work with Teen Challenge.
10. A girls centre to be started in Scotland that God would allow me to be involved with.
11. To see my boyfriend's band play now that he and his brother are in it.
12. For Amanda to move with me wherever I go.
13. For Amanda to want to move with me wherever I go.
14. Dr. Candido.
15. For Kate to feel better.
16. Scott's arrival date.
17. Lunch at Thai Diner.
18. God.

Great. I feel like a big horrible selfish jerk-person for not thinking of God until Desire #18. God, please forgive me for putting mad scientistry and 16 other things ahead of you today. Whether I thought of it or not, you are always my first and most significant desire.

It's the worst feeling to be at work and have no work to do. I feel like such a waster. I feel like everyone who walks by is thinking "That girl never does any work." It's terrible. Sometimes I can be so stressed and have so much to do and then there are others where I sit here for eight hours trying to find something to read on the net or someone to talk to on MSN or new Friendsters in invite. Sigh.

I just ordered some Loafin' Joes. Mmm I can't wait. I got the French Kiss with Ranch chips and a Dr. Pepper. (Had to get the drink to get the deal.) The deal is, I got one free 6" sub with the purchase of all that. So I also got the Country Club with no tomato. Yay! The delivery time is 45 minutes to an hour though. I'm starving, peeps, can't you hurry it up in there?

I was going to go to the Honors Library today to look at some old Thesis Proposals and some Creative Writing Theses. But if my lunch is going to arrive that late, I'll just go to the library tomorrow. I am such a procrastinator. So the plan is, tomorrow after class, I'll go give blood in the Union Ballroom, eat my free pizza, take my free shirt, and then go to library. I need to, whether I want to or not. In fact, I so should do it today. I've gotta get that thing written and signed. I haven't even asked anyone to be on my committee yet. PROCRASTINATOR!

BUT I have a director.

I also have a Shakespeare test Monday. Noooo! I am in love with Dr. Candido, I want to make a good grade and make him love me! But there's no way. I could just sit on the floor and cry. I hate tests. I hate school. I just want to go ahead and move!

The end.

If Patience Started a Band I'd Be Her Biggest Fan

I just really like that line.

Today has been a lovely day. Mmm, let's actually take it so far as to say this has been a good weekend. I came home from work yesterday, and everything was already set up to be a brilliant weekend. Ingrid and David were leaving for Oklahoma and Amanda was off to baby-sit all night. I had the whole house and night to myself. I ate Subway for dinner, spent many many many hours talking to Scott which was simply lovely, and then spent many more hours reading late into the night. I finished a book called Singing In Zion, about an Arkansas family of folksingers. I started reading Passion and Purity for the second time. It has been really good. I think it speaks more to me now than it did when I last read it. I think I relate more to Elisabeth Elliot this time. And its given me tons to pray about, which I know both me and Jesus really like. Today I got up and read for a few hours then made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast. I washed all the dishes and mopped the kitchen to the sounds of The Promise Ring. After that I cleaned the kitchen, read some more, chatted with some Jehovah's Witnesses at the door, watched "Old School", and cleaned my room.

Ahh, what a nice day. And its only 2 in the afternoon. So much more time in the day. Yay.

Books I'm gonna buy from Dover Publications:
Young Goodman Brown and Other Short Stories- Nathaniel Hawthorne
The War of the Worlds- H.G. Wells
Dubliners- James Joyce
Beowulf
Poems and Songs- Robert Burns


That's all I have to say for now.

That and I've posted this weeks Friday Five answers. I think the Friday Five is stupid, but it gives me something to do, right?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have found-- "The One."

Yes indeed, you heard me right, I've found The One. And remarkably, today, he said yes.

Oh yes, for weeks I have been tiptoeing past his office, peeking in, walking away, questioning, wondering, praying... and today, I finally asked. Those four little words that would change my life forever. I met him in his office, sat down in front of him and asked, "Skip Hays, will you direct me?" With a gentle smile and a loving heart, he told me, "That will be fine."

I now have an Honors Thesis Director. I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be more relieved. I am on top of the world. Skip Hays, you're my hero.

I'm waiting for a letter from Scott. It should be here today. If it isn't, I will be sad.

I had my first fight with my new boyfriend last night.

No one on earth is more annoying to fight with; no one can piss me off as bad as he can; and no one so quickly forgives me the way he did.

I think he's all right.

The Vending Machine

Who is the guy who regulates vending machines? I'd like to either meet him or take his job. Because he's not doing it.

There's this really cool coffee vendor in Kimpel Hall. You put in your coins, choose a coffee and size and out pops a little cup and the machine fills it to the desired/paid amount. This morning before my folk music class, I really wanted something warm and sweet. I put my 55 cents in the machine and punched in 1-G-3 to get a large hot chocolate. (The hot chocolate is good, but the coffees are shite.) As I was putting my change back into my bag, I failed to notice that no cup had popped out. I heard the right sound,and I heard the hot chocolate pouring. When I went to grab my cup, there was hot chocolate all right, but it wasn't in a cup. It was everywhere else. How disappointing!

I started to go to class but I thought, "Well, I'm really thirsty! I'll just get a soda." So I put a dollar in the soda machine and punched the coke button. The coke rattled its way down the shoot and came out the hole. And then another coke rattled down the shoot and came out the hole. I got two bottles.

I mean, I guess the karma worked out fine, one machine steals my money while the other loses some. But shouldn't it be a little more regulated? I mean, coming from the business side of it, those machines are not doing their job.


******
by the way,
click here

Fall Semesters of Classification Beginning with S Suck

I feel obligated to blog, to keep all my loyal readers (all three of you) happy.

I feel like merde, pardon my French, literally.

I had a semester like this one time before, while in college. Maybe twice, but one stands in my mind specifically. It was my first semester sophomore year. I was living in Yocum with my friend Jonathan (don't ask how, we broke rules) and I was taking 18 hours. It was the semester of Arabic, Staring Boy, and the return from Scotland, where I'd been on a spiritual high for nine weeks (or perhaps "high" isn't the word- more of a journey). Those are the parameters. I remember sometime before midterms I got so depressed that I stopped going to class and just laid in bed crying all day long. I was getting sick, my country had been attacked, I wanted to date a guy who didn't love Jesus, and I was doing poorly in my classes. It was the semester I psycho'd out on Phlebatomy Boy, had an affair with Brahm, and nearly gave up my faith in God. I made my first college C, had roommate problems with Jonathan, and had friend problems with Ben and Erika and Josh.

This semester, my senior year, is showing signs of the same- constant tiredness, too much pressure, too many classes, too much reading, too much work, friend problems, boy problems (sorry Scotty, not like you're a problem), God problems, and ... and thats it I guess. No Arabic, affairs, or plasma this time, and I'm still going to class (most of the time) but the symptoms are here. I hereby diagnose this semester as sucking.

Ha. How interesting is it that it's only the third week of school?

PS. I locked my keys in my car yesterday. Thank God that this time the spare wasn't with an ex.

I'm sorry I've kept you all waiting so long. My tattoo pictures are up.

I'll have what He's having.

So life with God is like going on a date.

I tell the waiter "I'll have what he's having." I know that I always like what he gets. I trust him. But on the other hand, I'd kinda like to know what we're eating. Every time the waiter comes out with a plate of food, I wonder if its mine. If it looks good, I hope its mine. Then the waiter delivers it to another table and I think, "Well, hopefully what I ordered is better, but I sure would've enjoyed that." I begin to wonder about what we've ordered. Am I gonna like it? Maybe I won't. Maybe he ordered shrimp, and I'm really not a very big fan of shrimp. I mean, of course, I doubt he'd order shrimp... but maybe he likes shrimp and I didn't know. Then I remember how well he knows me and how much I trust him and I think, "I'm sure I'll like what I get." But then the waiter brings out lasagna to another table, and I think, "Good grief, could I please just eat something now? Why couldn't I have just had the lasagna? I love lasagna. I am so sick of waiting on my meal! And I don't even know if I'm gonna like it!"

But in the past, he's always ordered me things so much fancier than a boring old lasagna. He's always ordered food I like. Food I like more than I think I will. Like lobster. But for some reason I keep worrying that the waiter's gonna bring out escargots and there Jesus will be with a big smile on his face, and I'll have to eat it because I already agreed to have what he ordered. I didn't have to agree to have what he had, but I did.

And the whole time I'm waiting, I wish he'd tell me what we ordered. But he doesn't. He wants to keep it a surprise. He knows I'll love it, it won't give me food poisoning, and it won't be bad for me. He knows I'll be so surprised and happy when the waiter comes to our table with a bottle of the best wine and the fanciest cuisine in the restaraunt. But I don't know.

five times i've signed a line
that asks for my knife and my keys and my blood
and five times i later i still go back.
perhaps when i'm old i'll learn my lesson
for now i'm signing away my signature.

In exactly one month I have to turn in my Honors Thesis proposal. I have to find a director and a committee and decide what I'm going to write about. And then I have to write the proposal. What does a Creative Writing proposal even look like?

I was thinking just now about my plan for my thesis. I was thinking about a theme that runs through my poetry (my recent poetry.) And I realized what my main (though not wholly exclusive) theme is-- Prostitution.

I think thats what my poetry is all about. I think I have my thesis.

(DON'T STEAL MY IDEA ANY OF YOU WRITERS OUT THERE OR I'LL BE PISSED!)

Josh Dennis

I wonder how different my life would be if I had married Josh Dennis...

When I was in forth grade I met this boy named Josh. My parents were looking for a new church and when we visited the one that we would eventually end up attending, I went to Sunday school all by myself. There were lots of little boys and girls who went to Abundant Life, which is the school to where I was transferring. It was the end of the summer and our teacher had us go around and say our names and what school we went to. When it was my turn, I said I went to Abundant Life. Josh immediately spoke up, "You do not!" My face got all red and I got all flustered and was so embarrassed I thought I might cry as I tried to explain that that was where I'd be going when summer was over. I felt like everyone thought I was lying.

A few Sundays later I sat next to a boy named Gray. He was nice to me and talked to me and we drew pictures on the bulletin. Josh started making fun of me and accused me of liking him. I did not like Gray and I was really embarrassed because now everyone would think I did.

School started and Josh was in my class. I don't know when I fell in love with him but it happened sometime that year. I loved Josh. He had glasses and was skinny and he sort of became my friend. Sometimes he would pick me to be on his team. Sometimes he would talk to me. In sixth grade he would sit his desk close to mine and we'd play cards under the table. (We never got caught.) We both always passed the spelling pre-tests so we always got to go out into the hall while the class took the spelling test. In sixth grade, he called my best friend Cristen and asked her to ask me if I'd go out with him. I said yes. But I found out the next day that he only asked me because his friends made him. So I cried a lot and broke up with him.

Over the next few years I loved him off and on but all the way until 10th grade I had it in the back of my mind that I was going to marry Josh Dennis. I'd get a boyfriend and forget about him, then we'd break up and I'd remember him. I realized somewhere along the line that he wasn't interested in me, but I still wondered, and hoped. We called him the Grumpster for awhile, because he went through a grumpy stage. He always slouched in church and grumbled.

We went to the same college and my mom and brothers teased me about that. They joked that I'd probably become best friends with him at college and we'd get married. By then I knew that was silly and I didn't want to marry the Grumpster anyway. Since we've been in college we have become friends of sorts and we talk whenever we see each other.

For about 8 years of my life I was in love with this boy. That's almost half my lifetime. I wonder then, how different life would be if I had been right when I was a kid and I did marry Josh Dennis.

From the Josh Dennis Era, I experienced several more boy eras when I was in love with different boys. Two or three that were seriously serious. So how then, does anyone ever know when they've found real love? Sure, an easy response would be that I was young and you grow up and know more about love. But in ten years I'll be more grown up than I am now and I'll know more about love. And ten years after that the same. So what am I supposed to do? Wait until I'm fifty before settling down? Maybe love isn't so hard to find, maybe there's not one person you're supposed to love. Maybe there's just one person you choose and therefore you stick it out and make it work, since you chose that person. Maybe I could marry someone now and I'd be with them the rest of my life. But theoretically, I could not marry that person, marry someone else years later and be with them the rest of my life.

What if I'd married Josh Dennis? We're both Christians. Not likely that we'd get divorced. I bet we'd have serious problems because we have nothing in common really. But won't that happen anyway, with whoever I marry? Supposing there is a "One", and supposing I did marry the "One", can't I safely assume there will be serious problems in that relationship, too, to have to get through?

And how exactly does one know this one is the "One"? If anyone gives me that crap about "just knowing" I will delete your comment. That's a bunch of bull. I can give you five names just off the top of my head of people who can dispute that ardently. You can say that God reveals it to you. How do you know its God? Or, what if you are in a place in your life where you are unable to hear God clearly? I could argue a good case that God makes the right thing happen if you are focused on him and your heart is truly set on obeying him. (But you non-Calvinists are gonna have a hard time accepting that one.) I'd like an opinion. Preferrably from married folks.

And Josh Dennis, if you are out there, somewhere, googling yourself, and you come here... You always knew anyway so I'm not embarrassed. But don't worry. It's over.